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Who do I want to be?
Props to my friend Sarah for putting that question out there, as opposed to "what do I want to do?" or "what do I want to be?"
Who I am is much more important than what I am or what I do.
I'll share with you a little about who I would like to be in 13 years.
I want to be loud.
I want to be that woman who fearlessly walks into a room and cares nothing of what others perceive of her. I want to have great hair and an attractive disposition. I want to be dripping with southern-ness and I want my laugh to be such that everyone can hear it and wish that they knew what I know to make me laugh like that.
I want to be quirky.
I want to wear heels with my workout shorts if necessary. I want to always always think beyond the realm of acceptability or trend. I want to have window boxes with flowers in them at my house and I want to have a really really big dog. And I don't want vulchers hovering around to see what I'm going to do next or to try to ride my coattails or to try to one-up me. Geez. Just let me be me without having to worry about social and political pressures. Thanks.
I want to be a lover.
I want my friends to know that they are loved. I want my husband (should the Lord bless me as such) to know that he is loved. My family, my children, my clients....I want them all to know that the world is nothing without the special people that fill it. I want to always make time for my girls. I want them to always know that whether they need a margarita or a special prayer, I will be over in lightning fast speeds to take care of them and I know that they would always do the same.
I want to be well-respected.
I am still working on this one. There are areas where I know I struggle. Procrastination started out as a little joke with me and has snowballed itself into a major disease. I am daily trying to improve this and other areas of my life so that when I look back, I can say that despite my mistakes, I did alright.
I want to be happy.
Happy is the feeling you have when you lie down after a long day next to someone you love all covered up in a down comforter. Happy is the feeling you have when you tie the perfect bow on the perfect gift sitting in front of the perfect Christmas tree drinking the best cup of coffee in the world while watching Miracle on 34th street with your sister and your mom.
Happy is looking in the mirror and knowing that you have worked really hard to drop a few pounds and your jeans are just a little bit looser than before. Happy is getting a sunburn while being completely lazy on the lake. Happy is going to work everyday and knowing you will have a paycheck to buy groceries and pay rent.
I would have defined happy in a much different way 6 years ago.
So who do I want to be? I want to be the colorful, loud, boistrous, fearless girl who loves and gives...who has a strong man standing behind her and all of her girls standing beside her....who is happy.
Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
Be who you are, not what you do.
Wow. This is such a wonderful quote with which to begin today's blog.
I was talking with a good friend about the mood of my blog recently, and yes, it is true...I was a very unhappy little girl earlier this year. Sad, actually. When you are twenty-four and perfectly confused about life, insecurity takes its toll on the human spirit. For those of you who held my hand while I was enduring, thank you. For those of you who I neglected or hurt, I am sorry.
I can say today, though, that I'm in a different place. Not a place of certainty...oh not at all. More like a place of excitement and...
...and wonder.
For an artist, when your curiosity dies, your spirit dies. Your soul dies. And being among the living dead is a bad place.
But Somewhere between there and here, my curiosity waltzed (yes, I do love that word) its way right back into my little wandering mind and started not a spark, but a damn bonfire of creativity.
I have dreams. Big ones. And I want to make them happen. It all happens one little step at a time. And I know that there are going to be sacrifices and compromises I will have to make. Regardless, I have my flame back. I want to make things again. And I want to be successful again. I want to do what I love and not take the easy way out again.
I have NEVER in my life been one to half-way do something. And I have never taken the easy way out...not even when I decorated my apartments in college, did I make things simple...no...complicated-as-hell is the way I operate, for better or for worse. My goal has always been perfection, regardless of the effort, sweat or work that a project might involve. Earlier this year, I saw that value of mine slipping. I saw my work ethic slipping. My passion disappearing. My desire to be the best? gone.
I'm alive again, though, y'all.
And my dear precious friends, It feels good to be happy again. I choose that daily. I am making big changes in my life right now that will continue to move me toward my new goals. Hang in here with me and you will see some cool things happen.
Do I have both feet on the ground? Nope. Sure don't. :)
Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
Whether on a dance floor or in life, standing still is a bad move.
Today, I don't have much to say. But I feel like making a list. So I will.
Songs that are very relevant to my life right now:
1. Going North by Missy Higgins
"I wanna dance the tango with chance...and I wanna ride on the wire...cause nothin gets done with dust in your gun...and nobody respects a liar. So goodbye for a while, I'm off to explore every boundary and every door...yeah, I'm going north."
2. Pony (It's okay) by Erin McCarley
"Look at you, kickin off your shoes, dancin for the world to see...You got the power to believe, open up and see, and I'll be free and fly away...Go on, go on, go on, the stars are watchin...just say just say just say what you're feelin...you know you know you know you gotta take a bow and do it your way...its okay..."
3. Turnaround by Joy Williams
"Come on its time for a brand new page, come on its time for a turnaround, open your eyes to a brighter day and see the corner your turnin now...its time, its time for a change."
4. The Outsiders by Needtobreathe
"Short falls and little sins, Close calls where no one wins, Stand tall we're running thin, I'm wearing thin.....Oh oh oh , why are we keeping score? Cuz if your not laughing, who is laughing now? I've been wondering, if we start sinking, Would we stand our ground? And through everything we've learned, We've finally come to terms. We are the outsiders"
Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
Let someone else do the talking.
To you, my dedicated readers, I owe you an apology. I have, to say the very least, been AWOL...gone...completely removed from the blogging community for a solid 3 months or more. I have no excuses for my absence. Only a busy schedule and a few wares to show for it.
My life has warranted many adventures during the time I have been away from here. Some entertaining and fun, some horrifying and emotionally draining. Adventures, though. Adventures...you know...those things that when arranged together, compose a beautiful bouquet that is life.
I'm not really into specifics and details today. I don't feel that they are important. What I find important is that you know what a beautifully uncertain state my life is in today. In the past, this observation made me cry. But not today. I have a peace amidst my lack of answers. I have rest in knowing that my anxious feet will have a new path on which to walk soon enough. I know my Father's plan will ultimately play itself out. I look forward to the day it comes to fruition. My life is beautiful right now though. At this very second. Geez...why? Oh, because ironically, I am living part of the plan. This studio, these walls, my petunias and my spirit...we are all suppose to be here right now. Together. And I'm okay with that.
Tomorrow, maybe not. But today, yes.
I don't know where my path is going. Nope. Not a clue. I don't know who will walk it with me or if I will be alone. I only know that when my feet start moving, I will follow where they take me. I will go Fearlessly. Proudly. Joyfully. Perhaps even dance some along the way. I will do this because I know staying will be like locking me in a cage and going will only open doors for new adventures. Some entertaining and fun, some horrifying and emotionally draining. Adventures, though. Adventures
Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
Finding time for others is a great way to lose yourself.
Today is a new day, too. A Monday. I feel like Mondays have been given a pretty bad reputation, and I think that this is an injustice because Mondays aren't bad at all. They are refreshing and new. They are the beginning. The Starting Line. And to be quite honest, that excites me just a little.
Though I am still searching and praying a whole lot these days, I am taking my own advice and blooming where I have been planted...at least for today. Because to be completely honest, for the last two+ weeks, I haven't cared about anything. I have been dead in spirit. That, y'all, is a terrible way to live. I'm still don't have answers...may never have answers. But I must move forward and choose happiness.
In saying that, I have already packed up my Christmas decorations at the studio this morning and swept the floor for the first time all year (I told you I hadn't cared about anything at all...I meant it.) I am going to be completing a lot of things this week. And starting some stuff too. I am ready to see results. If I have to be here...I will make something of it.
List time.
Things I have learned:
+ It could be worse.
+ I'm not the only person going through this.
+ My physical well-being can no longer suffer due to work.
+ Happiness is a choice.
Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
Today is another chance.
This is the testament of my life right now. This is the cry of my heart. This is the first breath I inhale in the mornings and the thought that embraces me as I drift off to sleep each night. I. don't. know. what. to. do.
I have two parents who would do anything to fix this for me. But all I feel is resentment following every discussion about my life.
I don't want my life to be mediocre. I don't want to tell my grandchildren boring stories. I want to write my biography in such a way that people couldn't put it down...that it would be an adventure of epic proportions. Sometimes I feel like there aren't many people around me who want that same thing. I feel like the world around me is content and I can't seem to be okay with that.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know where all of this has come from and I don't know what the answer is but I know that I feel like a bird in a cage. My flame is dying out, my motivation is dwindling, my spirit is dying. And I don't know how to fix it.
I pray a lot these days...because I know that in reality, I am blessed so far beyond what I have ever deserved. Sometimes, though.... think that maybe I was meant for more....
Today's pearl of wisdom:
Pride and Obligation will not keep you happy.
Well, friends, it has been a whole year since this sweet little field of blogs began...and yes...it is again time for a yearly summary of things that happened, lessons I learned and truths that unfolded in front of me time after time, day after day.
Sooo...I think I will just start with a list.
:: List of major events that happened in 2009 in the life of Leslie Gray ::
January: I began working with Address to Impress, an invitation company based out of Tupelo, MS.
February: I suffered through the readjustment period that was "Moving back in with my Parents" and I survived.
March: I established an office space and studio on Bankhead in New Albany...later to be known as Gray & Company
April: I starred in the play "M*A*S*H" and I learned how to pay rent.
May: I found love and didn't even know it.
June: I learned how to drive my orange volkswagen and I stopped traffic all over New Albany.
July: I returned to the stage, performing in Broadway 5 and I found out that the path I chose it quaint but absolutely charming.
August: I watched a meteor shower, snuggled into my studio for the fall, and found out that Mr. Bloody Bones is smarter than I thought.
September: I gave my best friend away to a guy who is now her best friend. And I confidently walked away from an influence in my life that never really cared about me, but rather saw me as a mere business transaction and a piece of the puzzle. Oh, yeah....and I started what is now the Gray & Company tshirt line! (September was a really big month!)
October: I turned 24. I grew older. I also played the role of June Sanders in "Smoke on the Mountain"...my first role with any significance.
November: I grew a thick skin and got my hands dirty...working hard and making things happen. I also decorated my shop for Christmas for the first time ever...a truly joyful time.
December: I enjoyed the holidays, despite their busy-ness for the first time in years and I found out that people show up in your life when you least expect them and probably need them most.
The past year has offered me more of an education than I ever received in an institution of higher learning. I have had hard lessons in business and life. I have had my heart broken and I found that there is nothing that can heal it better than your best friends sunbathing in a pool with a cold drink on a hot summer day. I rearranged my thoughts on how my fairy tale wedding will unfold one day and I got a good start on learning how to tell people "no." Through all of the lessons I have learned this year, the one that remains most evident is that God is gracious and giving and good. Though there is nothing in my life that reflects an entitlement to what I have, God provides anyway....he gives daily and without reservation- His grace for the times when I create a royal disaster of my life and His love when I feel abandoned by those I put false trust in. My Father provides and my life is a testament to that.
Pink Pearls of Wisdom for 2009:
1. Never climb so far up the ladder that it hurts when you fall back down. -Bill Gray
2. Rejection is like getting a shot...it hurts at first but it makes you a better person.
3. Fear of love is fear of life.
4. There is nothing wrong with loving polka dots and animal print in abundance and with wreckless abandon.
5. If you let them, curious people will waste your life away.
6. There is a difference between business and rudeness.
7. The battle of overcoming who you used to be and proving who you are is actually a war in a small town.
8. Love is a many splendor thing, Y'all.
Hit me with your best shot, 2010!
Who do I want to be?
