I'm Procrastinating...

"You're so talented."

I hear that often. And I know it is always meant with good intent. As a compliment, if you will.

However, there are days when that phrase hits me like a jack hammer between my eyebrows.

Because being "talented" falls as both a blessing and a curse. It can bring sunshine to your life and plague it at the same time.

No rest for the weary...

Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
Be selective when exposing your talents.

Order.

Oh, well it has been a while hasn't it? A very long while with a very large amount of change. All for the best though. I am in hiding right now. I think that sometimes we have to be broken down in order to be built back up stronger. We must be primed and prepared, trained...before we are ready to take on the world. You know, kinda like in Batman...where he goes away and learns how to fight before he comes back to Gotham City to battle the bad guys? Well, I like to think of my life that way...perhaps a little extreme but very similar. I'll be back around, just when I am actually prepared to fight, if you will.

Part of my preparation can be summed up in the above quote...I think it really says it all. And it points out to me the things that I have completely missed. Being regular and orderly in my life is my new goal. Setting a schedule. Being punctual. Taking care of business when I say I will...all of those things, I want to do and be. I want to pursue my talents and put them out there in a better way...I think I have been doing myself an injustice by neglecting my abilities and whining way too much about not knowing what to do with myself. So today, on November 1, 2010, I am setting goals to help put myself out there more! Say a sweet prayer for me that I may be able to find more order and productivity in my life.

Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
See above quote...

Who do I want to be?

Who do I want to be?

Props to my friend Sarah for putting that question out there, as opposed to "what do I want to do?" or "what do I want to be?"
Who I am is much more important than what I am or what I do.
I'll share with you a little about who I would like to be in 13 years.

I want to be loud.

I want to be that woman who fearlessly walks into a room and cares nothing of what others perceive of her. I want to have great hair and an attractive disposition. I want to be dripping with southern-ness and I want my laugh to be such that everyone can hear it and wish that they knew what I know to make me laugh like that.

I want to be quirky.

I want to wear heels with my workout shorts if necessary. I want to always always think beyond the realm of acceptability or trend. I want to have window boxes with flowers in them at my house and I want to have a really really big dog. And I don't want vulchers hovering around to see what I'm going to do next or to try to ride my coattails or to try to one-up me. Geez. Just let me be me without having to worry about social and political pressures. Thanks.

I want to be a lover.

I want my friends to know that they are loved. I want my husband (should the Lord bless me as such) to know that he is loved. My family, my children, my clients....I want them all to know that the world is nothing without the special people that fill it. I want to always make time for my girls. I want them to always know that whether they need a margarita or a special prayer, I will be over in lightning fast speeds to take care of them and I know that they would always do the same.

I want to be well-respected.

I am still working on this one. There are areas where I know I struggle. Procrastination started out as a little joke with me and has snowballed itself into a major disease. I am daily trying to improve this and other areas of my life so that when I look back, I can say that despite my mistakes, I did alright.

I want to be happy.

Happy is the feeling you have when you lie down after a long day next to someone you love all covered up in a down comforter. Happy is the feeling you have when you tie the perfect bow on the perfect gift sitting in front of the perfect Christmas tree drinking the best cup of coffee in the world while watching Miracle on 34th street with your sister and your mom.
Happy is looking in the mirror and knowing that you have worked really hard to drop a few pounds and your jeans are just a little bit looser than before. Happy is getting a sunburn while being completely lazy on the lake. Happy is going to work everyday and knowing you will have a paycheck to buy groceries and pay rent.

I would have defined happy in a much different way 6 years ago.

So who do I want to be? I want to be the colorful, loud, boistrous, fearless girl who loves and gives...who has a strong man standing behind her and all of her girls standing beside her....who is happy.

Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
Be who you are, not what you do.

Snapshot.

Wow. This is such a wonderful quote with which to begin today's blog.

I was talking with a good friend about the mood of my blog recently, and yes, it is true...I was a very unhappy little girl earlier this year. Sad, actually. When you are twenty-four and perfectly confused about life, insecurity takes its toll on the human spirit. For those of you who held my hand while I was enduring, thank you. For those of you who I neglected or hurt, I am sorry.

I can say today, though, that I'm in a different place. Not a place of certainty...oh not at all. More like a place of excitement and...

...and wonder.

For an artist, when your curiosity dies, your spirit dies. Your soul dies. And being among the living dead is a bad place.

But Somewhere between there and here, my curiosity waltzed (yes, I do love that word) its way right back into my little wandering mind and started not a spark, but a damn bonfire of creativity.

I have dreams. Big ones. And I want to make them happen. It all happens one little step at a time. And I know that there are going to be sacrifices and compromises I will have to make. Regardless, I have my flame back. I want to make things again. And I want to be successful again. I want to do what I love and not take the easy way out again.

I have NEVER in my life been one to half-way do something. And I have never taken the easy way out...not even when I decorated my apartments in college, did I make things simple...no...complicated-as-hell is the way I operate, for better or for worse. My goal has always been perfection, regardless of the effort, sweat or work that a project might involve. Earlier this year, I saw that value of mine slipping. I saw my work ethic slipping. My passion disappearing. My desire to be the best? gone.

I'm alive again, though, y'all.

And my dear precious friends, It feels good to be happy again. I choose that daily. I am making big changes in my life right now that will continue to move me toward my new goals. Hang in here with me and you will see some cool things happen.

Do I have both feet on the ground? Nope. Sure don't. :)

Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
Whether on a dance floor or in life, standing still is a bad move.

Someone else's words.

Today, I don't have much to say. But I feel like making a list. So I will.

Songs that are very relevant to my life right now:

1. Going North by Missy Higgins
"I wanna dance the tango with chance...and I wanna ride on the wire...cause nothin gets done with dust in your gun...and nobody respects a liar. So goodbye for a while, I'm off to explore every boundary and every door...yeah, I'm going north."

2. Pony (It's okay) by Erin McCarley
"Look at you, kickin off your shoes, dancin for the world to see...You got the power to believe, open up and see, and I'll be free and fly away...Go on, go on, go on, the stars are watchin...just say just say just say what you're feelin...you know you know you know you gotta take a bow and do it your way...its okay..."

3. Turnaround by Joy Williams
"Come on its time for a brand new page, come on its time for a turnaround, open your eyes to a brighter day and see the corner your turnin now...its time, its time for a change."

4. The Outsiders by Needtobreathe
"Short falls and little sins, Close calls where no one wins, Stand tall we're running thin, I'm wearing thin.....Oh oh oh , why are we keeping score? Cuz if your not laughing, who is laughing now? I've been wondering, if we start sinking, Would we stand our ground? And through everything we've learned, We've finally come to terms. We are the outsiders"

Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
Let someone else do the talking.

Adventures.

To you, my dedicated readers, I owe you an apology. I have, to say the very least, been AWOL...gone...completely removed from the blogging community for a solid 3 months or more. I have no excuses for my absence. Only a busy schedule and a few wares to show for it.

My life has warranted many adventures during the time I have been away from here. Some entertaining and fun, some horrifying and emotionally draining. Adventures, though. Adventures...you know...those things that when arranged together, compose a beautiful bouquet that is life.

I'm not really into specifics and details today. I don't feel that they are important. What I find important is that you know what a beautifully uncertain state my life is in today. In the past, this observation made me cry. But not today. I have a peace amidst my lack of answers. I have rest in knowing that my anxious feet will have a new path on which to walk soon enough. I know my Father's plan will ultimately play itself out. I look forward to the day it comes to fruition. My life is beautiful right now though. At this very second. Geez...why? Oh, because ironically, I am living part of the plan. This studio, these walls, my petunias and my spirit...we are all suppose to be here right now. Together. And I'm okay with that.

Tomorrow, maybe not. But today, yes.

I don't know where my path is going. Nope. Not a clue. I don't know who will walk it with me or if I will be alone. I only know that when my feet start moving, I will follow where they take me. I will go Fearlessly. Proudly. Joyfully. Perhaps even dance some along the way. I will do this because I know staying will be like locking me in a cage and going will only open doors for new adventures. Some entertaining and fun, some horrifying and emotionally draining. Adventures, though. Adventures

Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
Finding time for others is a great way to lose yourself.

In better spirits...

Today is a new day, too. A Monday. I feel like Mondays have been given a pretty bad reputation, and I think that this is an injustice because Mondays aren't bad at all. They are refreshing and new. They are the beginning. The Starting Line. And to be quite honest, that excites me just a little.

Though I am still searching and praying a whole lot these days, I am taking my own advice and blooming where I have been planted...at least for today. Because to be completely honest, for the last two+ weeks, I haven't cared about anything. I have been dead in spirit. That, y'all, is a terrible way to live. I'm still don't have answers...may never have answers. But I must move forward and choose happiness.

In saying that, I have already packed up my Christmas decorations at the studio this morning and swept the floor for the first time all year (I told you I hadn't cared about anything at all...I meant it.) I am going to be completing a lot of things this week. And starting some stuff too. I am ready to see results. If I have to be here...I will make something of it.

List time.

Things I have learned:
+ It could be worse.
+ I'm not the only person going through this.
+ My physical well-being can no longer suffer due to work.
+ Happiness is a choice.

Today's Pearl of Wisdom:
Today is another chance.

?

This is the testament of my life right now. This is the cry of my heart. This is the first breath I inhale in the mornings and the thought that embraces me as I drift off to sleep each night. I. don't. know. what. to. do.

I have two parents who would do anything to fix this for me. But all I feel is resentment following every discussion about my life.

I don't want my life to be mediocre. I don't want to tell my grandchildren boring stories. I want to write my biography in such a way that people couldn't put it down...that it would be an adventure of epic proportions. Sometimes I feel like there aren't many people around me who want that same thing. I feel like the world around me is content and I can't seem to be okay with that.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know where all of this has come from and I don't know what the answer is but I know that I feel like a bird in a cage. My flame is dying out, my motivation is dwindling, my spirit is dying. And I don't know how to fix it.

I pray a lot these days...because I know that in reality, I am blessed so far beyond what I have ever deserved. Sometimes, though.... think that maybe I was meant for more....

Today's pearl of wisdom:
Pride and Obligation will not keep you happy.